carter lee young 11.12.12 {part 2}

i'm realizing now why i have never written this birth story down. for the past few days i have been trying to put into words what the contractions were like during active labor and i can't find them. they are so hard to describe. i always tell daron i wish there was a machine that could simulate what these contractions were like. girls, wouldn't that be sort of awesome? even though i can't find the words to describe the contractions, i know i will still appreciate a record of the events so here it goes!

i woke up after taking the pill and saw the time. it was 2 in the morning (again). my heart sank. i had slept for two hours. i should have just been grateful i got any sleep at all but i was so hoping for longer. the contractions were definitely stronger and closer together. i didn't want to panic so i handled them alone for as long as i could. i'm still impressed with myself that i didn't immediately wake up daron. 

at this point, a very funny and strange thing started happening. i was lying there on my side in the exact position i had been sleeping in. i would not move a muscle because i hoped if i laid there as still as possible, i would somehow fall back asleep - in my dreams. 

anyway, back to the funny, strange thing - during each contraction, my right arm would start dancing in the air.  it was like it had a mind of it's own! i remember thinking, "this is so odd"  but also was amazed at how much it was helping. 

suddenly, i hear a voice from the black darkness of the room, "dani? what are you doing?" 

my dancing arm had woken daron and the tone of his voice was so hilarious. he sounded so confused but also sort of impressed? at the same time.

we both just started busting up laughing! 

i moaned back, "it's helping, okay! now call aunika (the doula). it's time for her to come."

daron groggily pulled out his phone and started texting her. 

i realized i hadn't explained to him the intensity of the situation. all he saw was me calmly lying down and every few minutes, my dancing arm. but i about lost it when he sleepily started texting her.

i urgently quipped, "no, no. call her!!!!!"

aunika lived farther away so she didn't arrive for about 40 minutes. she was another angel during my birth. i truly could not have made it through carter's birth unmedicated without her. she was a saving grace. 

she sat by me, while i stayed in the bed in the same position, talking me through each contraction. she also hoped that i would be able to fall back asleep. after about an hour, my contractions were the same but my back labor was getting more intense. 

she woke up daron, who had fallen back asleep, and told him we were going to try something. i wish i could remember the name of what she did, but she had a large scarf that she laid underneath me. she and daron stood on either side of me, holding each side of the scarf up so it cradled my midsection like a hammock and rolled me back and forth on it during each contraction. then, she would have me stand up and check to see if the pressure had centered instead of being so intense in my back. after about 6 contractions, i stood up and felt completely different pressure! it shocked me. unfortunately, my back still felt the same but i had a ton of pressure where it was supposed to be! 

after aunika's genius little trick, things really started moving. she kept suggesting that we go to the hospital but i was dreading the hospital. i begged daron to not make me go but around 6:15 she told me we probably shouldn't wait any longer. 

we woke up my mom, hopped in the car and i endured another miserable car ride. (the ride to the hospital isn't more than 15 minutes, but i hated every second). i stepped out of the car and was starting to get delirious. daron and my mom ran upstairs to check me in while aunika literally dragged me to the triage room. i remember really struggling at this point. the nurses checked me but i told them not to tell me where i was at. best decision ever. i found out later i was a 5 at that point. it would have totally depressed me to hear a 5 at that point. 

the midwife on call happened to be one of my favorites. her shift was ending so she was leaving, but she came in to check on me before she left. i remember her saying in the loudest most cheerful voice, "whoooo-wheee, things are cookin' in here! you're going to have this baby by noon, sweetheart!" 

normally, i would have been annoyed at someone saying a concrete time. i would have thought, "they don't have a clue!" but something inside me told me she was right. and having a set time gave me so much hope. i now had a goal to work towards and an end in sight. 

aunika immediately filled the bath and took me over to it. i labored in there until the warm water stopped having its soothing powers. i made my way to the bed and labored there for the rest of the time.

it's from this time until carter was born that is a total blur. 

i know once i got out of the bath, my contractions slowed. i remember going into this odd trance and almost forgetting where i was or what i was doing. my midwives had me lie down so they could check me fearing my labor may be stopping. 

the nurses checked me and one accidentally said "7" out loud. the nurse beside her panicked and said, "shhhh! she doesn't want to know!" i remember this making me laugh and luckily feeling indifferent to the number. the midwives were surprised i wasn't dilated more. after a few more contractions, they asked if they could break my water. i didn't want this to be done but aunika said she was sure it would speed things up so i let them do it. 

after they broke my water, transition came. i only remember a few things from this time. 

i remember wanting to cry desperately. but no matter how hard i tried, my body would not let me. the tears would not come. it was as if my body could not handle one more thing going on.

i also remember saying lots and lots of times things like, 

"i'm done" 
"i can't do this anymore"
"i'm so sick of breathing. i don't want to breathe anymore"
"someone please chop my back off"
"please get this damn baby out of me" 

at one point, my mom just held me. it was the best hug i have ever had. having her arms around me was so comforting. i remember leaning on her and just letting all of my body weight fall onto her. it was a funny thing. the whole time she held me, my contractions did not hurt as bad. 

in the middle of transition, i did the saddest thing. 

daron had been a huge support for me the entire way. i loved everything he did and was so appreciative of his help. but half way through, i exiled him.

i couldn't look at him anymore. it was all hurting so, so bad. my back labor was more intense than ever and the contractions were so close together i felt a little bit like i was drowning. every time he reassured me that i was doing great, i couldn't help but think, "you will never know what this is like. ever." 

and like an awful scene in the movies, i told him that i loved him and that i was sorry but to please go away. i turned the other way while he made his way over to the couch in the room.  aunika tried to bring him by me again thinking that was just a one time thing, but when i saw his face again i looked straight at him and said, "why are you still here? i can't look at you!" at this point, i tried again to cry because i felt so bad but couldn't.

for the rest of transition, daron sat on the couch while i went through the hardest and most grueling part. i found out later that he cried because it was so hard to helplessly watch me and not be able to do anything. 

after a few hours of transition, my midwives checked me for the final time.

i was 9.5 cm!

soon after, my body started showing signs that it was ready to push. i started having convulsions which kind of scared me. once my midwife saw these, she immediately called out that it was time (!!!!!!!)

i couldn't believe it.

the next scene was my favorite scene of all. 

aunika laid me on my back while the rest of the room hustled and bustled to prepare for carter to come. i remember looking around the room and feeling so touched that everyone in this room was doing all they could to help my baby come safely. it's kind of strange, but i felt so loved. 

daron came back over to the bed and held my hand. 

i remember the midwives giving me instructions but everything was in one ear and out the next. the only instruction i remember was from my rockstar mom who gave me the best. advice. ever. 

she leaned down and whispered in my hear, "push hard. push harder than you think you have to. 10 times harder." i had a huge fear of tearing. what woman doesn't with all the horror stories out there!? i know if my mom hadn't told me that, i wouldn't have pushed hard enough. i would have been imagining myself tearing and would have been so hesitant to go for it.

but after she told me that, i pushed with everything i had. i gave it all i could. and it hurt so flipping bad. i had read a lot of birth stories that talked about how pushing almost felt good because the woman felt like they were doing something with their bodies. but that whole "ring of fire" thing is real and it was somethin' else! i remember my sister-in-law ellery telling me how her sister described it like she was giving birth to a fiery watermelon. i actually remember thinking about this description while i was pushing and thinking how dead on it was!

after a few pushes, i looked up at my midwife and called out in desperation, "am i making any progress!?" i was so impatient. she looked at me, wide-eyed, and said, "uhh yeah! most women take about 45 minutes to get where you are right now." 

that gave me the motivation i needed and with a few more pushes, he was out. i could not get him out fast enough. i remember feeling so exhausted and done that i did not want pushing to go a second longer than it had to. 

i'll never forget the relief i felt once he was out. 

it was glorious.

i did it! 

he was here.

daron pulled him out, sobbing and held him up for me to see at 11:12.
(48 minutes before noon!)

i will never forget carter's face the first time i saw him. his eyes were huge. he had tons of hair (which i was not expecting) going every which way. and he had a totally shocked look on his face. he seemed to be thinking exactly the same thing i was thinking... 

"what. the. helllllllllllllllll was that!?"

daron put him on my chest and i remember feeling so many emotions. i was in disbelief that he was finally here. i remember not being able to take in all of him fast enough. i wanted to study every detail but at the same time, i didn't know where to start. i was so happy but also so overwhelmed.

one of the reasons i went natural was because i wanted to feel an instant connection with carter and feel that "high" so many women talk of after laboring without an epidural. i dreamed for months about what that instant connection would feel like...

but it didn't come.

i felt so much joy and i was so happy but i stared at this human on my chest and was totally stunned. my mom immediately asked me, "oh! don't you love him!?"to which i replied, "i think i need to get to know him..."

my parents laugh hysterically to this day about my all too honest response. 

my entire body was shaking though and i was in shock. i had no idea how hard labor was going to be (i blame you back labor!) daron took his shirt off and held him on his chest, while the midwife stitched up a few, tiny stitches on me. 

i kept looking around the room wondering if i was dreaming. daron came back over to me so i could nurse him and we could take him in together. 

we gushed over all of his features examining every little ounce of him. i couldn't believe how tiny he was and how alert he was! his eyes were so wide and he just kept lookin' around like, "sooo, what's next!?" ha!

and just like that, we became parents. 

the whole experience was an incredible journey. certain things went exactly how i thought they would while so many things went completely different. 

my mom had no idea what to expect but was in awe of the whole experience. it really touched her to see so many women working together to help her little grandson arrive safely.

my birth photographer told me later she left carter's birth and sat in her car and cried from being reminded of the incredible sacrifice women make to bring life into the world.

and as for me? 

well, let's just say - i've had time to get to know carter...

and i really really love him. ;)