3rd trimester insomnia. let the "no sleep" preparations begin!

(daron giving "PAT's" stroller a test drive)

last night i couldn't sleep. like ... really couldn't sleep. as in, i was begging for morning to come and looking at the clock multiple times wondering when daron would start stirring and the sun would come up. this never happens to me. ever. i sleep like a rock. always have. i felt one CA earthquake all growing up because it happened to be at recess. the others, that were actually newsworthy, all happened in the middle of night. i slept through every single one of them.

i have always been so proud of my ability to "die" (as my sister shalice would describe it) at night time. but oh, how things are changing. for the past 2 weeks i have gotten up multiple times a night. a good morning is when i wake up remembering only getting up 2 or 3 times versus  8 or 9. i now am experiencing what it is like to lay there in bed with only your thoughts. i think it's possible i am also getting just a small glimpse of what it is like to be a parent ... ? 

there was one thing that helped me get through the agonizing "why aren't i asleep yet" hours ... that was daron. lately, along with insomnia, at 30 weeks pregnant i am extremely hot all the time. daron says he can feel me even when i am a foot away from him while laying in bed. let's just say this doesn't motivate him to cuddle with me at night time (especially since the desire to is pretty small to begin with ... ) but last night he lent out a small gesture that at least let me know he was trying. 

i was laying on my side with my feet curled up facing away from him and he gently held my foot in his hand. i know i really love this guy ... because just him grabbing my foot instead of my hand (which is too hot) uplifts my spirits. it sounds odd as i write it. and sort of ... pathetic. but i loved every second of it. i didn't want him to let go. there is something about feeling him next to me that is so incredibly comforting and a feeling that is irreplaceable. it's like the moment i feel him all my little worries and irrational thoughts find a little hiding place where i forget about them and i breathe a little easier. 

(to demonstrate how irrational i am ... i have this overwhelming thought that i am going to die in my 50's and so daron and i won't grow old together ... and it makes me really upset. because i really want to grow old with daron. like in our 90's old. i know i will be with daron forever because we were married in the temple. but i want to spend this whole life with him too. needless to say, if someone were to ask me my biggest fear ... this would definitely be it)

i don't know what causes me to stress about hypothetical situations that aren't even possibilities at the moment. maybe it's my personality. maybe it's the baby in my belly. maybe it's the hormones. maybe it's just me. but when the crazy thoughts do come, i am grateful i married a man that can calm my fears by the simple act of holding on to my foot while he sleeps ...