one

carter is 1 today. it's possible that i have sung him happy birthday hmmm maybe 15 times already...? it could be 20. i can't stop singing it to him. yesterday was surprisingly hard. i've been so excited for carter to turn one, but when his last day of being zero came, i was so sad. i don't know what it was, but the whole day i was on the verge of tears. i kept telling him, "tomorrow is your brithday carter!!" in a really excited voice with a huge smile on my face but inside i felt like crying.  

then it came time to put him down. that's when i really panicked. i didn't want him to go to sleep. if he went to sleep, that meant today came. and i wasn't ready for today. i actually felt incredibly unprepared. i kept trying to hold him and snuggle him. i just wanted him to nuzzle into me and lay sweetly on my shoulder. but instead he did what he does every night - lots and lots of twirls in my lap while smiling and giggling - and then leaped into his crib. i wanted to cry.

and so i did.

carter has just been the sweetest baby. he is so patient and happy. i know he came first because he would help me best with the adjustment to motherhood. i couldn't have asked for a sweeter spirit to enter our family. 

i love you with my whole heart carter. just always remember that, okay?

and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!